Carol's Library

 

Key Phrases

 

When Speaking to Someone in Delusion: 

"For some reason, I am not having the same experience you're having. I don't know why but I know that you are having them. I wanted to let you know that they are too hard for me to listen to."

 

To Find Out What Motivates Them and Why That Does (3-Steps)

 

1. The More (or Less) Question

 

“For your life to be even better than it is, what would be one thing that you would like more (or Less) of?”

 

Must be judgment-free and affirmed.

 

“That sounds great, that would be awesome."

 

2. The Scaling Question

 

“Just curious, on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being not at all and 10 being most important, what would you say having (the more (or less) question-answer) would be?”

 

3. The Subtract Three Step

 

Whatever number they give you, say "

"I did not know that was a (the number they gave you), I thought it would be more like a (subtract three from their number). What makes it a (their number) and not a (their number minus three)?"

 

Pay close attention to what is said next. This will be the “why” behind the “want”.

 

DO NOT JUDGE OR COMMENT on their whys, just simply reflect them back and say, “That makes a lot of sense”.

 

Ask them to tell you more about each of the whys and how each will make them feel.

 

“Tell me more” is your new best friend.

 

Do not ask them why. Why questions are judgment questions and could quickly stop the conversation.

 

The How Question

 

“What do you think you could do to have  (name the more or less they what) so you can have the (name the reasons, their whys)?” “What if any, ideas might you have?” Or “If you don’t have any right now, which is completely normal, where might you go to find some ideas? You’re smart, you have the internet.”

 

DO NOT TELL THEM HOW. Let them tell you how.

 

Always ask what they can do before ever telling them what you think they can do, and only if they ask you for advice.

 

The Support Question

 

“What resources, if any, might you need to get (name the less or more of the what), so you can have the (name their reasons, the whys).”

 

What, if any, support might you need from me?”

 

 

The “Given That” Question

 

A lot of times, Herb might give you reasons why he can’t do something. He might say something like “I can’t travel to see Nick's family because of the people beating me up at night."

 

Whatever he says, don’t argue with it.  That is just a battle zone. Don’t go there. Just give him that.

 

“Ok, given that, you still want to have a closer relationship with Nick and his family, right?"

 

"So, given that is happening to you at night, what can you do to overcome that so that you can have the relationship you want with Nick and his family?” "What can you do to overcome this so that you could travel and be with them?" 

 

"I would hate to see you not get the kind of relationship you want because of what is happening to you at night."

 

Magic Wand Question

 

Whenever he might be stuck on thinking of something, or he is saying "nothing can be done", try the magic wand. It goes something like this:

 

"I hear your saying that nothing could be done. I was wondering, if you had, and just play with me for a minute, a magic wand, what would you use it for in order to make things better for your life?"

 

Then, whatever the answer is, say:

 

Given there is no magic wand, I wonder what you could do to get close to (whatever he said the magic wand would do)?"

 

 

If I have missed anything, please let me know in the comment box. Thank you Carol.